As several former international standard rugby players reached their twilight years on the playing field they decided to turn their undoubted ball skills to the much easier game of golf.
Led, and often misled, by Nick their indomitable tour captain, the first squad included a cross section of nancy footballers, ex-work colleagues, bozos and dunderheads. With a minimal comprehension of the finer points of golfing etiquette, but a great thirst for partying, the inaugural tour descended on The Barley Sheaf Pub in the former mental asylum town of Bodmin, Cornwall.
Our utmost thanks must be given to our hosts at the Barley Sheaf, Terry and Viv Harding, who gave us Wreckers, spectacular breakfasts and a bar that never shut. They also donated "The First Day Trophy" (which then became "The Second Day Trophy" and, for simplicity, is now called "The AD Gers Trophy"). In return we sang very badly, behaved impeccably and allowed (or maybe caused) Terry and Viv to retire ten years ahead of when they had originally planned.
In 1999 the Blue Jacket was introduced in recognition of exemplary off-course performances and achievements. The tourists hold the winning of this jacket in high esteem as it comes with a certain level of history and prestige - the donor, Paul Coles, wore it during his official duties at the Barcelona Olympic Games. The most amazing aspect of this jacket is that the one size fits everybody.
In 2001 an autumn tour, based at Frilford Heath, was introduced. This had been planned to coincide with the Ryder Cup. However, as we are noticeably fitter than those outrageously overpaid and pampered scoundrels, we vowed to play it annually. The inaugural winner, Peter McIntyre, famously quoted on Sky News that "this is the only competition I've ever won, I will have to buy a trophy so I can plonk it on my mantle piece ... if you know what I mean". The resultant magnificently sized trophy is fondly referred to as "The Double D Cup" .
In 2002 Terry and Viv hung up their bar towels for the last time. The old pub was not quite the same without our cherished hosts and so, in 2002, we adopted a more nomadic approach and unleashed the tour on Bournemouth. Having achieved the break from our comfort blanket we aim to move around each year. Other places earmarked are Bangkok, the Seychelles and Wolverhampton.
In 2003 we wandered lonely as a cloud in our continuing search for pastures new. After the controversy and excitement of online voting and the scandalous rumours of vote rigging, we chose Leominster (where's that) for the aptly named Mile High Tour. Leominster, famous for being closer to Andy's house than any other tour, won our hearts with superb scenery, excellent golf, friendly sheep and a warm and welcome hotel in The Royal Oak. Special moment of the tour: at Kington ( the highest Club in England and Wales) Dennis out-drove Stewart on the first tee, but neither made the ladies tee !
Now, Tadgers are not, by nature, lovers of high living or the finer things in life. However, having indulged the Southern softies in their plea for a taxi to take them to the golf club in 2003, only to find ourselves transported in finest luxury mini-bus Herefordshire could provide, the pull(man) of Leominster proved irresistible in 2004. Things had changed at The Royal Oak. Jan and Nigel (our outstanding hosts from 2003) had eloped, but the biggest change of the year was in Stewart who, on returning early from “the crèche” on Saturday night declared the music too loud and just "thump-thump-thump". Welcome, at last, to middle-age, Stewart! The golf in Herefordshire was tremendous but with a heavy heart, and by a small majority, the Tadgers voted to hit the road again in 2005.
So, onward in search of our roots. Somewhere between Leominster and Bodmin was the brief, and where better than Somerset's sin city, Weston-super-Mare. At least everyone had heard of it! The homely comforts of Timbertop welcomed the wind blown Tadgers after their first day of disco golf at Brean. It was hi-de-hi strokes and lo-de-lo scores as virgin Tadger Tony "no friend of mine, said Stewart" Beavis wilted at the 4th! Worlebury blew us away, literally and metaphorically, and catered for our every need as Andy celebrated passing into his second half century. A minor cock-up on the booking front meant a delayed and somewhat moody start to the Trophy day but nothing was going to put T-Cap off his stroke. After 13 years of disappointment, all came good at the fun palace when Nick was finally crowned King, to the strains of Queen! Well, that was far enough from Leominster and close enough to Bodmin for one year. So, before we left, we booked the hotel and some better weather for 2006.... but not the disco golf.
As it turned out, the weather in 2006 was superb, as were the courses. Worlebury stretched our golf and our stomachs as the sun shone on the righteous. Our après-golf conviviality at Weston was little short of outrageous but taken in good stead by the locals. Yet again, the sun shone, the cider flowed, the jokes seemed funny and ,why-aye, our tour-virgin Brian learned the hard way not to spoof with your Tadgers. Now, Tadgers always embrace newcomers but, and not for the first time, Colesy may have over stepped the mark, still it was all tongue in cheek!
Another chill in the air greeted Tadgers at the Isle of Wedmore as they met up with one-arm Millett and that other bandit, Tommo, who took advantage of a clear head (with a significant thumb-print) and a weary opposition. With an "I'm sorry, I couldn't possibly drink on the course as I have to drive home" he grabbed the silverware and made good his escape.
Well, there was only one place for the 15th anniversary in 2007, that magical and mysterious place ... Bodmin! A re-run of that first tour had us meeting at Lostwithiel, a course strangely longer than we remembered. Then, back to the barley Sheaf ... home at last! It too had grown since our last visit and now sported several palatial en-suite rooms, cunningly nabbed by those who arrived a day early. An early start to the Friday game allowed time for a magical mystery tour of Padstow and the majority of its drinking holes before finally settling for a good old session and sing song in some back street pub (Arthur knew the land lady and Tony found a new friend) After some of Rick's fish & chips we wended our way home via another pub (Arthur knew the land lord) and several brandy and lovages. In what was a first for Tadgers, we had a no-show at the first tee next day and Jerry was summarily awarded the Beer-Goggles at the gala dinner. This was a splendid affair, Kerry and Simon did us proud. Tommo and Stewart won prizes for cross-dressing.
So, for 2008 it was a no-brainer! Back again to our roots and a straight rerun. Lostwithiel seemed a little easier this year and Lanhydrock as testing as ever. Friday evening saw us back in Padstow where Arthur had lined up a super meal in the same back street pub. Service was superb, unless you ordered wine, in which case a little delay set in as they don't usually serve that fancy stuff. The delay turned to hilarity as in to the bar walked Tony's new friend from last year (old picture but worth seeing again!) She took on a new dominatrix style role when she learned of her appearance on our web site. Armed only with her dog lead she stormed in to the delayed eaters and demanded service! Jacko had just the thing to hand! To his amazement and with one swift flick of her wrist, she lassoed it with the lead, what a dog handler! Saturday night started well as Simon's sister (ran a bike parking scheme) served the awards dinner, but things took a slight downturn when Colesy upturned the entire prize table. Recovery was at hand though when the tour minstrel played us all the way to guitar heaven! Stuart did a little more cross dressing (is that playing it down enough Stewart?). As I said, no-brainer. It was suggested (by the locals) that we should try somewhere else next year!
2009 was a year of firsts ... first ever tour with 20 tourists, first time to Taunton, first time in 14 years that Stewart didn't win the longest drive or wear a mini skirt, first magic trick as Andy's sat-nav turned his car into a field ... but all of this pales into insignificance besides the first Fart to empty not just a room but an entire hotel! The story goes that Jacko, upon entering his bedroom at 2.30 am was hit from out of the darkness by what can only be described as a gas cloud never experienced since the battlefields of the Somme, courtesy of roommate Will. Quick thinking Jacko, grabbed the deodorant (Aerosol, as the joke goes) and sprayed liberally, setting off the fire alarms. As Tadgers ran in all directions, only one man kept his head, none less than the guilty farty himself, Will. Cool as a cucumber, he evacuated the building (rumours say this is not an uncommon occurrence in the Mellor household), tried to raise the on-duty hotel staff and, fearing the worst .... the kitty was still inside ... eventually called the fire brigade, The rest is history, half the Tadgers gathered in the car park hoping for rides on the fire engine, the rest slept obliviously as the fire crew arrived, declared the building safe (if a little smelly) and finally managed to wake the hotel staff. Jacko was awarded the Blue Jacket and Will won a new "Chicken Head" award ... because headless, he wasn't! Other memorable moments have to include Pete Mac being as silly as a sheep by 8.00 pm on the first night, Arthur for his Kenny Rodgers impression, his Deep Heat after-shave and his famous chat-up line "ave ee gorra bath father?" The golf was fine, the courses excellent and the Bodmin pirates ran off with all the loot! The Rajpoot served us well with an excellent meal and a cheeky little "Asti" chaser! Much talk of returning, let's see what the hotel has to say about that!
Sadly, in March 2010 we said goodbye to one our great friends and supporters, Terry Harding, our erstwhile host at the Barley Sheaf, Bodmin and donor of "The Ad Gers" first day trophy. Rest in Peace, Terry.
Surprisingly, in 2010 the Blorenge did indeed welcome us back with open cheque book. We found Taunton Vale and Oake Manor as welcoming as before and found a new gem of a course at Long Sutton. In true Tadgers style we decided to reinstate the the Tadgers first-day trophy in its rightful place .... on the second day! As a result, we have a new name on the trophy as Tony squeezed through a crowded midfield to win by the narrowest of margins. Indeed, it was a feature of the tour that after 18 years the handicap system is now truly showing its worth and creating the close run competitions we all love to talk about. Talking of talking, there were, as ever, many memorable quotations. Classics ranged from Gerry's "yes, I may be a brain surgeon by day, but I'm a gynaecologist by night" through Rob's "you pump up the tyres Stewart, I'll ride it home!" to Kenny's "do I sing? No, but I do shag". But all of this was put into soft focus by Alan's truly interesting tales of photo-fun in the Screw-Fix catalogue and his tender, heartfelt, instructions on how the barmaid should operate the camera and push herself forward a little more if Nick was buying her a drink from the kitty. Rajpoot provided the most colourful curries ever seen and we discovered the wonders of Mambo's, where we were glad to see the back (and front) of the local youngsters, and at the opposite end of the scale, the Racecourse, where apparently striped shirts are a new fashion item and being sized up for your coffin is a real crowd puller!
In 2011, just when we thought we’d seen it all before in Taunton, Will found something special in the back-streets, he found a couple of good pubs as well! We quickly renamed them the ‘Sausage Pub’ and the ‘Faggot Bar’ … quality eateries for obvious reasons and excellent places to sample a meat-filled intestine, should the feeling take you!
The Blorenge was strangely quiet this year, we can only conclude that the economic downturn seems to have finally hit the sun worshipers and beach bums who normally frequent ‘the best view of the coast’ hotel. Rather ironically the swimming pool is now open - but it still looked cloudier than a pint of Old Mothers Rattler Dear Thumper Big Rat scrumpy! Anyway, the rooms were still more than adequate for us to retire to and talking of retiring, which more and more of us are, that state seems to be suiting ‘Andy the Worcestershire Bandit’ who scooped: blind pairs, Dr Dave’s newly donated Cup of Magnificence, and the TADGERS trophy! However, in a true TADGERS moment of mayhem, Mr Coles reckons that he scored 2 points on the last hole, of the TADGERS trophy, but forgot to enter them on his card – he would have won by one .... but then again we don't score our own cards, do we?
2012: 20 years on and so, to Cork. The much vaunted and oft times doubted, Tadgers trip “abroad”. Before we recall the highlights a few thanks are in order: to Keen’s Cunningly Clever Cork Club Courier service; to Roger and Bunter for proving it’s not all about golf; to Ian for weathering the storm that is Arthur and for proving that “them’s that’s dead’ll be the lucky ones!”; to the LV bar for being our most hospitable base camp and, of course, to our Auburn House host, Kieran, for 4 days of mighty breakfasts, matched only by his lovely wife, Olive, who was pure Irish sunshine, whatever the weather!
20 years of Tadgering hadn’t quenched the thirst for something new, something long and dark, something tasty with a creamy head! Cork provided it all! An early meet to get to Birmingham airport (as far north as most of the southern softies have ever been) only to have it explained that when you book with Aer Lingus, they actually put you on their low cost carrier and, oops, your 10kg baggage allowance is now 7kg, to be sure! So, with 7kg in hand and wearing 4 shirts, three jumpers and a good supply of undies in our pockets, we cleared check in! Nick, had left his packing to Pat and consequently underwent a full body search and donated his antiperspirant to the security guards’ benevolent fund. Jacko was on a health drive and in his quest for “five a day” was face-down in a Blackberry before breakfast, which was a split affair between the “let’s get a coffee, I've never been up this early before” group and the more realistic “we might as well have Guinness, it’s all we’ll touch for the next 5 days anyway” group.
Our advance party of Rob and Den had arrived safely with our clubs the evening before and sent us welcome news that the B&B was great and the local was ready! And so it proved, we were whisked from airport to B&B by Tony McGrath, who had clearly decided that two games of golf wasn't enough for athletes such as ourselves and had us all set up with a 3rd game before we got to the B&B. Kieran and Olive, greeted us and somehow got us into rooms and allowed us back out and into the LV within 10 minutes of arrival (an Irish all-comers record, apparently). Morning turned to afternoon, Arthur turned to Ian and we all turned to gibberish before a tea-time saunter back to the B&B to freshen up and return (minus Arthur) for the evening session and a tour of the local bars to find some music at the Corner House. We found fish and chips on the way, which they kindly offered to deliver to the pub opposite, while we had a quiet drink.
Now, we went there to play golf, and play we did. First at the Blarney Golf Resort, a forgiving course, which clearly suited Andy as he scooped the Millett Trophy. The second game was more of a challenge, not least because we had 3 evening’s drink under our elasticated belts by then! Lee Valley was a lovely course, and even more lovely for Pete, who bettered the rest of us and the weather by playing an absolute scorcher to come in with an all-time Tadgers Trophy record 40 points! Sunday saw a growing injury list as Den, Jacko and Smiffy pulled out to join Roger and Bunter on a tour of the local distillery! Stewart came through to win by one point over Alan and Pete. Pete’s efforts assured he won not only the Tadgers Trophy but also the Cup of Magnificence for his 3-day performance. He also won the Aunt Sally Cup for his first evening performance, giggling as he slid down the B&B stairs, getting his suitcase stuck half way down.
We had a day off on the Friday and, like other days off we’ve had in the past, had a very predictable outcome. Having been given a very informative cultural tour of Kinsale by our driver, we were dropped off, promising to visit all those places we’d had pointed out. Unfortunately, it started to rain as we got off the bus and we were picked up 8 hours later, a little worse for wear. Paul and Ian had done the cultural thing by having High Tea mid-afternoon, beyond that, well, Guinness and Murphy’s is quite cultural too! On the way back, our driver obliged us with a watering hole where we startled two barmaids and their two customers with an order for 17 Gins and 8 Tonics. They were downed (the G&T’s, not the barmaids) and we were gone in quick time for more foraging around Cork, this time at the Sextant, where most of us lost our bearings before steering a course back to the safe harbour of the LV, leaving Tommo to stare longingly at the shapely curves of tug-boat Sally.
All in all, a cracking tour, which, if nothing else, proved we shouldn't have days off in future! Next year, back to blighty and the south coast of Dorset beckons. The tour and the trip report will return to a shorter format!
2013: Well, we all came down to Came Down Golf Club for the first game of this experimental 2 two day tour. After the rigours of Cork we had agreed to limit ourselves this year. For some, 2 days was move than enough, for others it left a longing to return.
Once at Came Down it wasn't long before Alan's memories drifted back to happier days on this course, behind the garages at the back of the sixth hole to be precise and where, after a particularly boozy 16th birthday party his friend's mother decided it was "his time", by all accounts it was more a matter of came first than Came Down!
That aside and some forty years on it was a very different pairing of Tony and Nick that on the first day lifted the Apples "n" Pairs Cup, whilst Andy stormed in to lift the singles Millett trophy (now the Old Fathers trophy as we lost the original and Arthur donated the new one). We played two nearest the pin holes and Andy stunned a group of elderly mothers behind the garages by getting closest (to the pin) on the 10th and Chris, equally accurate on the 17th. A quick pint and we all raced back to the hotel to park eight cars in a 6-car garage and to make the most of our inclusive evening meal before letting loose on the town.
That night saw much merriment and mayhem around the various welcoming pubs of Weymouth led by ex-local Alan as the tour guide. Unbeknownst to (most of) the Evans family of Harwell, Margi (as it was her birthday) had chosen Weymouth for a relaxing birthday break. At the allotted time, Tim had steered his celebratory family into Wetherspoon's for a quite drink before bed. Well, it was a long time before bed and, by all accounts, a good few days before Margi could face another vodka as Tadger after Tadger insisted celebrated her birthday with "just one more"! Meanwhile, in a kind of parallel universe that was the bar at the Crown hotel, Stuart's friends had enticed him into a game of spoof that was still going on when the rest of the group arrived back well after midnight. Stuart, by this stage was defying gravity by standing at 45 degrees to the vertical (and the horizontal, as is happens). Rarely have so many been so glad that they weren't going to wake up with what Stuart had had the night before!
Being the second and final day of the tour, Saturday was trophy day, a return to tradition for the purists. But first, a walking tour of Weymouth to take in the nautical delights of this historic town, the castle, the pier the olympic sailing course and .... Tim and Margi sunbathing, hangovers a throbbing, across the harbour on their "secluded" roof-top terrace. Well, Margi certainly wasn't coming out to play but Tim somehow managed to muster enough kit to turn out on the cliff-tops of Bridport and West Dorset Golf Club. Welcoming as the club was, they didn't have full control of their buggy stock. Having secured his buggy first, Dennis was convinced by Andy (who was in the first group to tee off) that Dennis(who was in the last group) should give Andy his buggy and wait for the club's fifth buggy to come back to the club house. That bad news was that the club only had 4 buggies, the good news was that Dennis did get his money back and as Tim was sharing Dennis' clubs, Tim offered to carry for him.
Stuart never did recover from the night before and gave up golf half way round, Dennis eventually joined him, the fearsome sun having got too much for him. The day was won by Jerry with a magnificent 48 points off a somewhat flattering 54 handicap! Stuart and Rob shared the honours of the nearest the pin and longest drive respectively.
At the hotel, we managed to find the elderly persons' reading room and commandeered it for the awards ceremony, most of which went as mentioned above with addition of Andy getting the blue jacket for sterling efforts over the past 11 years of organisation. Tony volunteered to step in as new organiser and we all agreed that Weymouth deserved us for longer next year!
2014: With Tony in the organiser's chair, what could possibly go wrong ..... well, nothing actually! We returned to Weymouth to the give them the benefit of the doubt and to revisit some of the haunts of last year and we adopted a youth policy as Tony's son Nick and his mate Curtis joined us .... and promptly showed us how golf should be played! However, experience and guile, and the odd leather chipper, prevented them from running off with most of the trophies! Hotel wise, we couldn't get back into the Crown (wise people) and so went to their sister hotel, turned down last year for a reputation for being full of old people who smelt awful ... strangely, we fitted in a treat .... which is more than can be said for the car park, a true test of manoeuvrability ... not something most of us are known for these days!
We decided to go back to 3 days of touring and played the same 2 courses again, plus Dorset County (posh) GC and a most enjoyable time was had by all. Until, that is, we hit the night spots ... our usual downfall. Dennis found the fresh air so bracing that when we emerged from watching the rugby in the first pub of the evening, his knees buckled. Luckily, Andy and Tony were on hand to play props to his hooker as the unsteady front row made straight for the hotel to deposit him in his bed for a good night's sleep! Stewart was trying to get the wheel off his trolley, at least that's what we thought he meant by "trying to lose his spare tyre"! Monty gave a marvellous display of dancing and Andy used the youngsters Nick and Curt as bait in his lounge lizard act! (LOL – no mention of the kebab, then ... btw, I have video evidence of the dancing techniques ! ) Stewart once again took to spoofing and was awarded the blue jacket for announcing his readiness by shouting, "I'm in, I've got two in my hand!".
2015: Time to move on from Dorset. With a potential Tadgers homecoming to Bodmin on the cards for 2016's 25 tour, it was decided that Devon should take its turn to host us. The Bay Hotel in Teignmouth caught the organiser's eye with a great newspaper article headed " .. 'Yes, I am like Basil Fawlty': Devon hotelier dubbed the 'Rottweiler with lip gloss' savages TripAdvisor reviewer who claimed she ruined Valentine's dinner with drunken foul-mouthed rant". Well that seemed just perfect! We felt at home straight away as we shuffled 8 cars into 5 slots and were greeted in reception by the grandfather of the owner, who insisted on carrying our bags upstairs ... we had a few pints while he finished the task! We soon realised why it was called the Bay, because that's what the staff did at every full moon! Yet again, the lounge bar had a lounge lizard, only this time it was the real thing and at least a foot long, which either sat on its owner's shoulder or stalked the bar in search of the odd peanut! It was Andy's 60th and 25 G&T's were duly ordered ... only 19 delivered at the first attempt ... the lizard looked guilty!
The golf was interesting, Teignmouth GC was very inviting but very wet to start with, Teign Valley GC, which holds the record for the longest ever hole in one in England, was a challenging but beautiful course, set as the name suggests, astride the Teign and in the valley! The 3rd course was The Warren at Dawlish, a links course from hell: approached through a fairground, next to the railway station, full of gorse, sand and wind. The 1st hole shared a fairway with the 18th and a club had a tin roof that apparently had to be hit by any passing golfer (and a certain Tadgers Tour organiser !). Not many quiet drinks had in that bar, then ... although when asked how many pints were required, “FOUR” was often the reply.
Quiet drinks abounded in Teignmouth, hardly a soul to be found (unless they were staring at the moon) apparently it was a slow weekend. Things livened up on the Saturday night and the one redeeming feature of the Bay was its allowing takeaways in the bar for late night sessions (the lizard loved the leftovers). Andy was awarded the blue jacket yet again and for no apparent reason (as no apparent Reason won it last year!).
2016: OK, so we liked Devon, but not the Bay Hotel or The Warren. Someone said Ex'ter was a good place for drinking, indeed it was! We continued to play Teignmouth and Teign Valley, and added Woodbury Park to the list.
Golfing wise the high spots were: Den hitting a drive 190 yards, Colesy reaping the long awaited rewards of his new hip, and return of Mr Whippy, to scoop The Adgers trophy and bandit Langman winning the final day trophy by 8 shots, with a score of 42!
Non-golf antics: Pete Mac had an excellent tour ... locked himself out of his bedroom in a 3 AM search for the loo; had 3 ‘staggering nights’; had to wait for his trolley to be made and refused to take his car through a puddle that was in a passing place and making the woman driver approaching him reverse a further 30 yards to another passing place. Stewart found himself inconvenienced by locking himself in the loo! Andy’s SATNAV chose all the windy country ‘grass-down-the-middle-of-the-road’ routes to get to the courses. Curtis was ‘attacked’ by a drunken woman but refused to buy one of her mattresses. Colsey became a granddad (in fact there are probably more grandad's on tour than not). Jacko asked the heavily bearded Nick W “Have you got any aftershave I can borrow ?”. Den/Monty/Andy – had an incident in the taxi, where the taxi cost £12, Andy gave Monty £4, Monty then added his share and gave Den £7 (?), and Den then added his share and paid the driver £6 (??). All of this supported the decision to award Pete Mac the Blue Jacket.
And always remember our motto "Estne Tadger in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?" which, roughly translated means: "Is that a Tadger in your toga, or are you just pleased to see me?"